i love him so much. i just want to be with him all the time. i feel like it is unacceptable to spend all your time with one person but i would if i could. i love talking to him and doing random errands and dumb things. just watching tv. i just. i hope we’re different. i hope this isnt the chessiest thing ive ever written and ill look back it months from now and shake my head. i hope i wont. i hope i wont regret this. i dont think i will. you cant ever regret following your heart. because the pain and heartache will come either way. but if you dont follow it, you’ll wonder every day what could have been. id rather take the chance and the gamble and know, for better or worse than to sit back and let it go by, afraid and scared. because literally everything in life is going to hurt you. especially if you’re a person like me, who cares about everything. it is all going to hurt because it all matters. im never going to be the kind of person who can disconnect myself from something and just do it to do it. im always going to have the feelings and the emotions and i guess thats good and its bad. id rather feel everything than nothing at all i think
i am so entirely in love with you and maybe i could try and deny it but when you’re there standing in front of me it feels useless. i just want to wrap myself up in you i missed it all so much. there is no purpose in me punishing you or punishing myself. i know what i need to do but it is still difficult to try. i guess i never really got over it. i know i didn’t. and the things told myself to try and help me get over it were so untrue. you aren’t easily replaceable and i don’t want to replace you anyways. i could search the world and probably find someone else i love. but i might not. and while the idea of something better is always entertaining, the realization of it is often a let down. i want you and all of the quirks and all of the baggage. i think you’re right that i appreciate you more now. i appreciate us more now. i won’t let it fall apart i wont take it for granted again. nobody is like you, at least not at our age. i forgot what it was like when someone truly cares about you and isn’t just using you. its nice.
i wish people would just leave me alone. i cant do all the judgement at this point. i start to be happy again and then people just need to pick everything apart just when it was okay. just leave me alone i don’t care what you think or what you thought or if you thought you were helping. you weren’t. just go the fuck away. i’m not pushing you away you were never close to begin with and this just made it apparently clear.